LJIDW-LPF Week 5: "Kayfabe"

[daisysparrow]

Kayfabe: (pro-wrestling term: maintain character identity & love/hate relationships with other characters, at all costs)

________________________________________

Dear [[Redacted]] (you know who you are)

Like most peoples', my bed has 4 drawers in it.

My bed is also in the corner of the room. Well, almost. There's some pipes boxed in right in the corner so there's a narrow gangway, maybe 12 inches wide, that runs from the foot of the bed about 3/4 of the way up towards the head.

Semi-obviously, the bedside table is therefore on the other side. It blocks the first drawer. It's easy enough to get into it if I really need to, but in here I keep spare curtains, and other things I could go a whole year without needing.

Down from that, in the most accessible drawer in the bed, there's the spare bedding (sheets, pillowcases, etc). All neatly inside one of the pillowcases for each set, apart from the new ones I haven't taken out of the packets yet.

Round the corner, at the foot of the bed on the side that faces the narrow gangway, I keep all the spare blankets. Because they wouldn't fit in the same drawer as all the rest of the bedding. An extra duvet, a spare flat sheet, several knitted things and a large purple throw. In the summers, where I live, a single flat sheet can be too much; in the winters, two duvets, a knitted blanket and going to bed in all your clothes with your hood up to keep your ears warm, is still not enough. Honestly, I tend to just leave this drawer open (half-open) all of the time, so if I need to grab an extra layer, or kick one off, I can just do it.

In the space on the floor next to that, in that gap where I shove the extra pillow that I need for sitting up reading but not for sleeping, there's an extension cord that houses the plugs for my lamp and the chargers for both my phone and my kindle. And sitting on the floor next to that -- most of the time -- is the teddy bear you bought me.

Guarding the vault.

Because in that final drawer, the one that I couldn't access without moving the bed, which in reality would mean emptying the entire bedroom -- the drawer directly under where I usually sleep -- lies my dirty little secret. Every momento I have of you. (Obviously, not including the teddy bear.)

At the other side of the house, in the cupboard in the spare bedroom (the side with a door that bolts shut, right at the back, behind plenty of other things) hangs a wedding dress that I can't bear to part with yet. That I can't bear to look at to get around to deciding how to dispose of it. A dress I've tried on but never worn for it's primary purpose.

The dress I would have worn to marry you.

And in the same vein, I also can't bring myself to look into the vault. It's been years. And not enough of them.

Because as you may have guessed by now, my dirty little secret is that, after all this time, I'm still not over you. Still in love with you. However you want to say it. Personality wise, you're everything that I both did and didn't know that I needed, and on a good day, I only end up thinking about you once or twice, my darling.

But I made one of the classic mistakes, I suppose. Character is not the same as personality, and on that front, I think I fell in love with your potential, and not with actual you. Either that, or I projected a whole lot of my own "when I find a guy I love, he will be like this___" nonsense onto you that was never yours, to the extent that it clouded my vision, and I only saw what I wanted to see.

Or both, probably.

So, am I still in love with you? Or am I still in love with the idea of you?

And, honestly... how do I tell the difference??

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If you could answer me that, I think maybe then I could open the vault... 

Comments

[kehlen.livejournal.com]

I was stuck in a different limbo for many years, but I have managed to escape from it several years ago. So I both sympasize and wish you to find a way past this, well, impasse.

[daisysparrow]

Thank you <3

[the_eternal_overthinker]

*Hugs*

[daisysparrow]

Thanks :)

[thephantomq]

This is such a hard thing, sometimes. It takes a long time to separate your idea of a person and the reality of them and to reconcile the differences. And letting go of who you thought they were and could be.

Hopefully you'll be able to let go, soon <3 I know it hurts to do so but I think you'll also feel better for doing so.

[daisysparrow]

Thanks hon <3

[tatdatcm]

This is heart wrenching. *hugs*

I hope you find peace and can one day open the vault to find that it doesn’t affect you this way any longer.

[daisysparrow]

Thank you <3

[bsgsix]

I've been married for ten years now, and I recall this pain acutely. You hit it on the head with your wording, especially: "Or am I still in love with the idea of you?" And really, IS there a difference if you aren't with that person?

Wounds heal in their own unique way and in their own time. The "what may have been" feeling - eases, I've found, but has never left me. It's a shadow, but at least I can mostly avoid turning to see it.

This is very poignant and well-written. *hugs* <3

[daisysparrow]

excellent points all around, and thank you very much <3

[halfshellvenus]

Oh, this is such heartbreak to read, and I'm so sorry.

Letting go is so very hard when the feelings are still there, even when we're unsure if the person we loved was ever the reality of who they were.

[daisysparrow]

Thanks <3

[dmousey]

When I fell in love with my first husband, his family was a big part of it.

I relate to this well. ✌😊🐁

[daisysparrow]

Oh yeah, don't even get me started on missing my would-be Mother in law! <3

[codenamewanderlust]

Somehow when I first started reading I thought it was describing a cat tree and this was a letter from a cat to it's owner maybe, and I had to start over
It's actually clever describing the bed like a puzzle box leading to the "vault"

it's heartbreaking but also I felt that way about someone for awhile and decided it was the idea of what the relationship could be and not the actual person and I'm constantly falling for the Potential in people and not their actual-tential (?)

Love is perfect in all forms
Love is an infinitely renewable resource
obsession/attraction these are not love
Loving one's self is imperative

[daisysparrow]

Please can you elaborate on what gave you that impression? Thanks though, glad it worked, and thanks for your other comments.

[rayaso]

This is so heartbreaking! You wrote if very well. I loved the line "Character is not the same as personality." It seems to be a hard-won piece of wisdom.

[daisysparrow]

Thank you so much! And yeah, pretty sure I've read it somewhere, but it has proven true in my experience.

[murielle]

"And, honestly... how do I tell the difference??"

Seriously awesome last line!

Fantastic take on the prompt. Well done! Brava!

[daisysparrow]

Thank you, thank you! <3

[bellatrixe]

This was very heartwrenching *hugs*, but it was also a very powerful piece and you brought to life raw emotion perfectly.

"Character is not the same as personality." - so true to be honest.

[daisysparrow]

wow, thank you! <3

[sonreir]

Oh, this is sad and relatable :(

[daisysparrow]

thanks for your comment :)

[megatronix]

Poignantly written. It is weird isn’t it, what we fall in love with about people, what we see whether it’s what’s there, what we think the future holds, or both or something else. Fascinating to ponder. Well done!

[daisysparrow]

Thank you, thank you