LJI S11 wk 2 Living rent free inside my head

I cried a lot on Friday. Partly at getting some sad news, a bereavement. Mostly, though, (and prior to that,) out of self pity. My Mam and sister going out for lunch and not inviting me. And it wasn't even a "fun" lunch, it was a "I need to see my Mam! (and we just happened to eat food together)" sort of lunch. Poor sister. I was just feeling jealous, because I was feeling overlooked, a thirsty orchid desperate for a bit of attention. Managing a health/hormonal issue that reduced my capacity. And wondering whether it -- whether I -- mattered to anyone at all.

A song comes on the radio (ok, the tv music channels), and the nostalgia hits with force. Not the wistful-memories kind, although maybe it is, but more the I-am-actually-transported-back-in-time-and-not-really-aware-of-the-present, kind. Clever lines sung by a cheesy boyband that remind me of my first love. Alex. The Ginger-haired Swimmer with the good teeth. The only guy I've ever dated who was actually taller than me. Who would still have been taller than me as an adult, despite my second growth spurt at 17, even though in the year 2000 I was probably only 5'6".

Holiday romance on the island with the steep cliffs and the 381 steps down to the beach. The one where I played pool, learned a new card game and made many valiant attempts to stay on the surfboard once it actually hit the waves. Lying down. First and only time I've ever worn a wetsuit, y'all, and don't you know that I just rocked it? *wink* I didn't graduate to attempting to stand up on the surfboard, but Alex did, and he did it well. A natural. And he had his own wetsuit. He'd probably done it before.

Alex. The first person I'd met, not including family, who just... liked me, from the beginning. As in, did not have to put up with me and then get used to me and then maybe see that I had some positive qualities. No, just liked me, from the beginning. That was a very strange phenomenon. And that history is the only explanation I have for what happened on our last night. He'd been away from the hotel with his family. Our hotel was in small blocks, 1-2 storeys high, each door leading directly outside. Which is what enabled me to spy on him. I saw them all return and have a drink in the bar, and I saw them leave. I followed; I watched his parents say goodnight to him, and retreat to their own room next door. This was some time between 11pm and midnight. I waited behind a tree until I knew they weren't going to come back out, and I knocked on his door.

Alex's large smile was wonderful, literally splitting his face. It's making my heart race, even now. Y'know how some nights just have the volume turned up? The starts shine brighter; the air is heavier, leaving you breathless; every sound, every movement, takes on extra meaning? They are few and far between but they are the nights that make life worth living? It was August, the height of summer, but even so... this was one of those nights. Y'all, I looked in his eyes and I saw fireworks. Magical. Breath-taking. Sounds like something out of a cheap romance novel, but it was actually happening, in my life, and my head was spinning.

... Two thoughts darted through my mind in quick succession. 1) "He's going to kiss me." and 2) "I don't deserve to be this happy."

... And then I was out the door, running away. Over. Gone.

It was a long time afterwards, much longer than it should have been, when I realised that this was the reason why he was so short with me the following morning, once I'd found him again and gave him the napkin with my address on it. A napkin that I'm pretty certain ended up in the trash.

It wasn't so much this that the song reminded me of, though, pleasant as it has been to remember it; it's what came after. Because I was on that holiday for one week, and I thought about that guy continually for the next five. years. I'd come in from school or college, lie on my bed, listening to my music, thinking about him, and wonder if he was also lying on his bed, thinking about me. He probably wasn't. He was probably out swimming or something.